Harry Potter and the Reasons I Teach

Well Spring Break is slowly coming to an end this weekend :( I think it was a good break though. Mrs. K and I were able to head back to Atlanta and see family and friends for a few days even though our primary reason for being there was for her great aunt's funeral. But since we got back to Nashville Wednesday morning, I've felt like the days have slipped by. Although, I've been enjoying my time off not doing anything work-related. I've been reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire which was next in line since I started reading the series over Thanksgiving break. I just need to finish it now so I can start getting some work done! I'd like to be somewhat productive before school starts back so this next week can be a little more bearable. If I can get ahead by planning a few lessons and getting some grading done, then it'll be a little easier to get out of bed Monday morning.

I was having a rough couple of weeks around the time of my last post, but I'd like to share an encouraging moment that helped lift my spirits and get me to spring break. On March 3, the freshman academy of our high school held a parent meeting to inform parents about things they need to know as well as show and tell a little about what has been going on in their kids' classrooms. So we had a student of ours stand up and talk to all the parents about what he's been learning and doing in his classes. When he finished speaking about my class (his Biology class) I was very impressed with the amount he learned in our previous unit on genetics. He went on and on about the projects we did, and what he learned from them (more than he talked about his other classes, but I shouldn't compare). The other teachers and people who were there were also impressed with his description of my class, and I got a lot of positive feedback from other teachers afterwards. That along with some other blessings God placed in my way helped me see some of the fruits of my labor.

As I approach the last 9 weeks of my first year of teaching (which feels like less with the oh so definitive EOC only 7 weeks away) I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my experience. I guess my reflection is also partly due to the personal statement I need to write for my med school applications. I've been thinking about the reasons I joined TFA, and I realized when I was revisiting college friends that I don't think I message those reasons very well. Instead, most people hear the extremely tough time I'm having and figure my life just sucks right now.

However, I've reminded myself that I chose this suffering. I wasn't totally clueless that this was going to be really hard (even though I think my training could have been a little more honest and less idealistic). And I'm not doing it for the pure social justice of it all. I do this because I'm called to love others, especially the poor and marginalized of our society, along with all other Christians. I believe that my life is not my own, and it brings me great joy to know that my suffering while I serve glorifies God. He has really worked on my heart this year to realize this great joy, and to be satisfied with only serving Him. I feel like this experience has and will be necessary for me to approach my medical career in the same light.

Now is my call to love others in my profession specifically in teaching? I don't think it really matters. But in my opinion, I still feel like my skills and knowledge are best applied in a medical profession. I am very frustrated with the current state of education, and I'm working in a broken system. I'm also frustrated with my seeming lack of ability to make lessons fun and exciting because science is just interesting and exciting to me without any extra bells and whistles. I'm not saying that I won't be frustrated with the broken healthcare system, but which one will I be able to live and work within the best?

Don't get me wrong. I believe in the Teach for America movement. I have been convinced according to the data I've seen that the teacher in front of the classroom is the single most determining factor in a child's education. More determining than the school and the district. So by putting great teachers in poorly achieving schools, this is where the most impact can be made on individual students and on closing the achievement gap. The hope is to one day, have enough of these great teachers to make more great schools because success rate flies through the roof once you have great teachers in great schools. And ultimately, education is the best way to break the cycle of poverty in many of these communities.

The reason I don't think I want to stay teaching is that I don't think I can take the mental and psychological stress that it comes with. I don't find much passion on a daily basis to come up with ways to teach things in the best way for my students. My passion comes from a much deeper love for others and desire to follow God, but it is distant from teaching specifically. I hope that I can pair my passion to follow God with my passion for medicine and healing people to keep me going on a daily basis.

But most importantly, I am completely content with where I am now. My life is honestly very good right now even during school weeks. I have a wonderful wife, two pets, and I have a great church family in a wonderful city.

I'd like to post about discussions I've had recently on the balance or extent Christians should live in community with those in need to love them better while also loving and protecting your family. But I think this post is getting kind of long, so I'll save that for a later post (hopefully soon). I also need to get back and finish this Harry Potter book so I can move on with my life.

Today was a mess

This is what I wrote today after school to relieve some stress. I figured I'd share it since I haven't posted in a while. It's pretty rough right now. I don't know why, but I'm sure the recent elevation in temp in my room to 90-100 degrees isn't helping.


Why do I feel like so many of my students hate me? Why does it bother me so much when a student tells me that I'm going to get fired because they think I'm unfair? That should make me laugh at how ridiculous that sounds like they have the power to get me fired. It bothers me when my students tell me I'm a bad teacher. They say they haven't learned anything, and it's probably true for some of them but it's not because I'm not teaching. It's because they're refusing to learn. They say that my job is to deal with their behavior and somehow magically lasso everyone into a glittery, confetti filled spectacle of a class. They place no blame on themselves for their failures or consequences they receive. All I get is attitude all day long. Student after student mad at me for some reason and trying to argue with me about writing them up or calling home. They don't want to listen. It's their way or they give up or run away. A student actually said I was lucky that they came to my class today at all after I asked her to put away her headphones and hoodie. HA! Like I would go home and cry if she didn't come to my class. Oh it would really hurt my feelings. All I did was ask her to take her hoodie and headphones off, and I get that back. And I ask the students in a fairly nice way. Much less belittling or angry than other teachers that I hear. I can't teach anymore when I know for a fact that maybe one person in the room is actually listening to me. All the others are either talking or their heads are down. Isn't this supposed to only happen in November? My biology class was chaos today. I only got through half of the lesson I planned. And I spent a long time on it. Even when some kids were interested I had questions coming at me all over (some probably just to throw me off so I couldn't teach) and I couldn't hear people because everyone else thinks its free time when other students ask questions. I just have students interrupt me mid-sentence and they think thats ok! Their question about something totally unrelated is way more important than what I'm teaching like what their grade is or if they can get their make-up work after being absent 5 days in a row or what time my class ends. I give up! I want to give up so much! I just feel spent and I dread knowing that another day with those kids is only a day away. Now I'm losing the first monday of spring break. I don't know how I'm going to survive. Don't worry, I'm being intentionally melodramatic. It makes me feel better.

Our Time

I was just amazed about how much I've learned since joining TFA and working in Nashville. Not just teaching and education knowledge, but knowledge about our country's cultural and social history and the consequences of our past. Ever since desegregation the wealthier white families have moved out of the cities and into the suburbs. There's almost a constant exodus of wealthy white people as more immigrants or black people invade or "pollute" their spaces.

I'm sure I've learned this before, but until now it has not been so real. I haven't experienced first-hand the major consequences of this modern day segregation. What disturbs me the most is that the wealthier white suburbanites  are stereotypically the most outspoken Christians. And it's SO un-christian-like to not care for the poor. There's this notion of the American Dream being a state that you can do whatever you want to become successful and just forget about everyone else. If anyone disrupts your way of life, then just avoid them. How can you live your life as if we're not all in this together? We have a responsibility to care for the poor and carry each other's burdens.

This is kind of funny coming from me considering my thoughts and sentiments this past month. I've had a total of 9 snow days so far, and except for yesterday my second semester back hasn't been any better than the last. I've even had a lot of thoughts like, "These kids aren't worth my time". I've been frustrated beyond belief with the amount of work I put in just to get it thrown back in my face with an "I don't give a f***!"

It's crazy how much I have to remind myself that their disrespect and utterly disgusting behavior  is a product of their situations and environment. At this point in a kid's life, you have to be careful with how much you attribute their behavior to intentional thought and pure malice. In fact, today gives a pretty good example of the type of environment many of my students live in. Some girls were arrested on campus today right after school for fighting. We only found out later that the two girls that "ganged" this other girl were getting a ride back home from one of their moms when the mom turned her car around right outside the school just to escort the girls straight to their target. This parent is essentially on the level of her adolescent children. Can you imagine teenagers raising teenagers? That's these kids' lives.

So if you might not totally agree with what I wrote, take into account who this is coming from. If anyone has been disgusted or appalled by a group of people, I have. I think what's even more frustrating is how long it takes for change. It's very likely that any significant change in my students might not happen until years after I can influence them.

I had a good day today though. Two days ago I was up late and loosing sleep revamping and preparing for the next day's lessons. I had just had an observation meeting with my program director and we came up with a plan to improve my lesson planning and to focus on better student practice. So I was pretty excited about this meiosis modeling activity I got together for my biology class (after shopping for pipe cleaners and cutting up straws), and we were going to demonstrate electric shielding with our cell phones in my conceptual physics class.

Well nothing I could do the following day was going to get my kids to even pay attention. My honors biology students like to laugh at the fact I try to teach them like I do. And my conceptual physics students harbor resentment toward me because most of them say it's too boring. But I have a pretty good guy to talk to that teaches next to my room that I was able to vent to after school, and I was able to let it go. The next day (today) with my B day conceptual physics students went really well, especially compared to yesterday. I was able to get through everything I planned, and I think my students enjoyed it. And I was able to assess each class for what they learned that day. That was one of the improvements I decided to make.

God grant me
The courage to change the things I can
The serenity to accept the things I can't
And the wisdom to discern the difference

Who needs sleep???

I had a frightening encounter last week when I said to a few random students in the hall: "Yes we was". This was in response to them asking if the other teachers and I were having a meeting. I think this is a sign that I'm regressing. I hope I'm not catching any more bad habits.

Last week was kind of uneventful since we had to make up semester exams because of the snow days before the break. Last Friday was the first official day of the second semester. However, unfortunately for me, it was an A day following A day exams. My plan for the first two days of the 2nd semester was to focus on investment by looking at student data from last semester and reflecting on where we want to go and how to get there. The problem was getting the data all organized the night before right after the tests were given.

So long story short, I ended up spending from about 7pm-4am copying and pasting and reformatting from my excel tracker to a word document that had individual data summaries for all 130 of my students broken down by standard and unit. It was very frustrating at the time not being able to figure out a more efficient method of accomplishing this task and knowing at 1am that it was going to take me the rest of the night to finish.

I laid down at about 4am and kind of went back and forth between awake and crazy hyper dream state (which I'm not sure was better than awake) until 5:15am when I had to get ready for school. I made sure to get a cup of coffee on my way to school, but I think I was in a semi-drunken state for the rest of the day. But having classes and 20+ kids in your classroom has a way of keeping you alert and on it.

I have to say in the end it was worth it because I thought the lesson went pretty successfully. My students and I had a lot of issues to address involving their perception of my class and their behavior/performance, and also some things that I need to change and do differently to better meet them where they are. We had a very open discussion about ways they think I can improve (some constructive and reasonable, others not so much), and I think they seriously reflected on how they really didn't want the class to continue like it has. I think I got them  to see how they can change the classroom culture starting our next class period.

We'll see. I need to stay consistent and be persistent.But that was a pretty awful night before Friday. Well now I'm caught up on sleep and I need to get my lesson plans together. Here's hoping for another snow day this week *fingers crossed*!

Back to School Part 2

I don't think I want to bog you down with some of the grief and anxiety I've felt lately about enduring another semester... so I won't.

I had a great winter break being able to sit around, play video games, watch football, spend a week with family, and the wife and I even got to start a workout routine over the past 2 weeks (hopefully it'll hold up once work starts back). I was also able to make all my unit plans for biology and conceptual physics for the spring. I wish I worked a little more on making lesson plans for the first couple weeks though to get ahead. Although, this first week is going to be a little off since we had those snow days. Half of my classes will be taking last semester's mid-term, and I'm planning on taking a couple days to create some fresh investment for my class and our goals.

Tomorrow is a professional development day for teachers, which pretty much means I won't be able to do any work in my classroom to get ready for classes tomorrow because I'll be in faculty meetings. But since I don't have any lessons to run tomorrow, I'm enjoying tonight watching some football.

I watched an interesting video I found on TED about changing education paradigms and then I watched another talk by the same guy on the sidebar about the impact our current education system is having on our lives. I encourage you to listen to these. In the second video, the speaker, Ken Robinson, talks about how most people are unhappy with their jobs because it's not what excites them or fuels their passion. I resonated with that, and it kind of made me feel better about my near resentment of my job.

I guess I knew when I accepted and started the job that teaching wasn't my true passion. It's always been medicine or science. I think I've struggled with using that fact as an excuse for not doing as well as I want or not working  harder (if that's possible). But I think the fact that teaching is not my true passion contributes to the disenchantment with my work. It's difficult for me to balance that out with enough drive from my belief in the cause and the importance of my work for my students.

Sometimes it makes it easier on me and reduces my stress level to down play the importance of what's at stake, which I realize could be a bad thing if it led me to not care or to put less effort into the job. But I think it makes me put less mental effort on thinking about how much this matters and more on actually doing things. It might seem backwards, but I tell myself things like, "Who cares if I suck?" or "Who cares if I'm so bad they have to fire me?" It sounds outrageously careless, but it helps me do my job by taking the focus off of doing something that matches my theoretical idea of what it should be to actually getting something that works so I can sleep and be alive the next day.

Back to that video I mentioned before about people disliking their jobs, though, I applied for and took this job because I knew there was a need. Not primarily because I had a passion to teach. However, a part of me wants to teach. I've realized more and more that this is one of the greatest if not THE greatest service the world needs right now. I think another thing people should consider when following their passion is how their passion can best serve others. But I know now for me, that teaching is more of a service for me. I hate to say that I'm sticking it out until my commitment is up, but I kind of am. And hopefully on the way I'll be able to get some kids on track to a better future and maybe change some kids' lives.

I just better make sure I get started on my med school essays soon so I can get some big wigs at Vanderbilt to look over them and ensure my entry. I think it would be great to be a doctor and teach younger kids every now and then. Maybe I can work that out later down the road.

In other news, I'm very excited on the football front since my Chicago Bears are the No. 2 seed in the NFC playoffs with a 1st round bye. Plus, Ohio State (my favorite college team) is playing Arkansas this week which promises to be a great game. And hopefully Ohio State can help redeem the pitiful showing by the Big Ten in this year's bowl games.

SNOW DAY!!

I never realized how much teachers probably pray for school to be cancelled when it snows just as much or more than students might. Davidson county was holding out for a few hours while every other county in the state was closed it seemed. But they finally caved. The snow here is pretty legitimate. I think we got 2-3 inches yesterday. Enough to cover the grass. So I'm enjoying my very first snow day as a teacher this morning at Starbucks with hot cocoa while Mrs. K still has class at Vanderbilt from 9-11am. Then we're going to get a gym membership at a place right down the road from our house and go work out. Then hopefully I can play the Wii a little bit today. Great beginning to a great week.

It's semester exam week, and I had to have my exams completed and copied by last Thursday (early deadline = good for me). So this week should be pretty simple. Wednesday and Thursday should be half days unless they change something due to this snow day, and on Friday students are out. And finally, Christmas break for 2 weeks.

I must share a crazy moment that happened in my classroom last week. So I finally got to do the sheep eye dissection with my conceptual physics kids last week. This was a lab that the previous teacher created and left for me as an extension to the optics and light unit. Most of my kids were really excited about it. However, this means razor blades in the hands of 14 and 15 year olds. One student had a minor cut, but really no injuries throughout the 5 different classes. After my first class did the dissection, I misplaced the small box of razor blades! The students had already been dismissed for the day, so I tracked down and interrogated a couple students who always hang around after school. They thought it could be a certain student that apparently snorts or something like that. Well I double-checked where the dissecting pans were, and I found them there. My science coach at the school helped me run the dissection and she put them there. That was the first scare.

The next day of dissections, at the end of my first class, I was taking up all the razor blades and I was missing one. We couldn't find it anywhere, so I thought maybe a student was trying to keep one. I told them no one was leaving until  got it back, and I called a campus security officer (but no one ever came). Of course, instead of helping me look for the razor they just yelled and cussed trying to push me out of the doorway since the bell had rung. Nothing turned up, my next block's students were pounding on the door to get in, and my TFA program director brought a guest with her to come observe me (I told her to wait in the hallway for a second). Well, I couldn't keep them from leaving for long and they all just funneled out of the room, and I let my next block and my PD in. I felt like I was about to pass out with the thought that one of my students had a razor blade from my class. So I tried to keep my cool and just move on to the next class's dissection. About 10 minutes into class, my science coach was rummaging through the trash and she told me she found the razor in the trash! Well that was a relief, but it definitely through me off the rest of the day. That was a pretty crazy day.

My thoughts about teaching and my current state has been kind of muddled and confusing lately. I've been thinking about how I don't think I can be completely healthy if I can't enjoy my multiple interests, and teaching so far hasn't allowed that. In college, I was able to do sports, play my violin, do research, Christian fellowship, and learn new things. I'd really like to figure out how I can find time to help coach the Vanderbilt rowing team next semester, and hopefully I can get my planning together and get ahead to be able to do that. I also need to start volunteering at this clinic to keep my involvement in medicine. I'm starting to worry about getting everything together for applying to med school this summer because I know I won't be able to really think about it after this break until school lets out at the end of May when I need to get my application in. Even though I've already taken the MCAT, I need to get in contact with some people at Vanderbilt to help with my personal statement. I also need to get my recommendations together at Emory, and I'm not even sure if they'll still be current since they're almost 2 years old now.

I'm going to give my students a little gift of candy for Christmas, and I'm going to congratulate my star student in each class this week with a certificate and movie ticket or something. One thing I HAVE to change is doing much more recognizing my high-performing students and encouraging them. I just want them to know that I love them because I don't know if they have anybody in their lives that have ever told them that or if they've ever felt real love. I just watched the movie, Precious, last night and I know there are students in my classroom in very similar family situations as Precious. If you haven't seen the movie, I recommend it. It really captures the dark reality that so many forgotten people that live in poverty experience every day while we (the privileged) consume our lives trying to attain our next point of success. These thoughts give me inspiration towards my work, but I so easily get bogged down by the daily struggles and burdens that lead me to lament my current position. Please pray that the drive from inspiration will win out.

The Positive

I feel kind of regretful about my previous post. The school has been going through some struggles with negativity coming from community members and some teachers regarding the new leadership. And I think for a while the school has been battling a widespread assumption that it is the worst in the city, which you can imagine what that does to the psyche of the students and faculty. A mindset shift needs to occur with the community and more especially with the students because its a lie people have chosen to believe. I believe we have a hard-working principal with a great vision for the school, intelligent students, and there are some great teachers doing great things in their classrooms. The students have been fed this lie and they've given up on their chances for success because they're "stuck" at this school. The negativity in my last post and I'm sure in my attitude the past few weeks hasn't really helped.

I think we have experienced some successes recently. With the added security in the hallways, the negativity was heightened and it got out that students were planning some kind of rebellion/riot on Friday. They were planning to have everyone wearing whatever they want (out of dress code) along with some other nebulous stunts involving eggs. I think the principal decided to make an announcement the day before that the students would be rewarded for getting to class on time and not fighting and they could wear jeans on Friday. We went to a lockdown procedure in the middle of the day, and nothing ended up happening. The principal has been preaching to the students a lot since she has gotten the chance when students who are late to class are taken to the auditorium in a "hall sweep". The students need to know that they have teachers that care for them and work hard every day to make sure that they are given the best opportunities.

I feel like I'm in a tough position here because my job is still overwhelming to me, but I need to be positive and feign some confidence to help improve morale. I have had some successes in my classroom though. I was finally able to check out books to each student this past week and that will make it easier to assign homework. I also reinstated a positive rewards system that I let go back in early October. Recognizing positive behavior is hard for me to focus on during a lesson, but it really improves my management. Plus there's really only one week left until I get 2 weeks for Christmas. The week after this one is like midterm week so most of my classes will be taking exams. I'm also proud that I never took a single sick day off so far and I've been teaching every day. Hopefully over the break I'll be able to make next semester a little less about just surviving and a little more about maximizing my effectiveness. I still feel like education right now is the most important issue for the future success of our country, but I don't know if I would best make an impact as a teacher or if I would help the movement better through some other means.