I can’t believe it’s been this long since I’ve written anything. I’ve felt so jumbled in my thoughts and feelings sometimes that I knew I needed to write to make sense of things, but I never felt like I had the time.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting about my past two years of teaching. I don’t think I could do what I’m doing now much longer. I feel so overworked, exhausted, beat down, and even a little jaded. In no way do I regret my decision to teach in a low-income community. Sometimes I just wish my experience was a little different. I think I probably would have enjoyed this year more if I weren’t teaching three brand new subjects (Chemisty, Physics, and AP Chemistry) – neither of which I taught last year.
AP Chemistry is a beast by itself to plan for. I have one section that meets every day on a year-round class schedule. Normally, classes meet every other day for the whole year, but we need the extra time in AP Chem to get through all the material and do all the labs. I have to spend so much time making sure I know what I’m teaching because there are some really difficult concepts and math involved, and on top of that I have to plan and set up these college-level labs without a lab assistant since nobody took the job. I thought the extra time for my AP class was going to be great for preparing my kids for the AP exam, and it has been for the most part, but I didn’t foresee the downside that my kids would become sick of it really quick after so much work.
I started with a class of about 20, and you need 15 students registered for a class to keep from being eliminated. So I was trying to keep as many students as I could at the beginning. I lost three right away after they realized I really expected them to do their summer work before the 1st day of class and that they were going to fail if they didn’t do the assigned work. I lost one more before it evened out to 16 students. Even of those 16, about half openly told me that they didn’t want to take this class and they don’t want to take the AP test. I thought I could try really hard to win them over and make them see the benefit of the college credit. But the more I tried to help them and teach them the more they turned themselves off to me and fell further and further behind. I tried contacting parents even though many of the students at my school lack good parenting. I thought at least the best kids in the school in my AP class would have caring parents that have some control in their child’s life, but I could only get a hold of two. Either the number was wrong or no one picked up the phone. I had short periods of success with some of those kids where I got them to pay attention and do some work here and there, but it never stayed consistent. Now, 6 weeks until the end of the year, 4 weeks until the AP test, I’m standing in front of 16 students and 8 are actually listening to me on a good day. By now, the other half of the class has utterly given up. They just show up and put their heads down. They don’t do any work whatsoever, and they are failing miserably because of it. They have concluded that, “I don’t need this class to graduate and it’s boring,” therefore they are going to waste away 90 minutes of every day of their life until the end of the school year laying their heads down doing anything possible not to learn anything I teach. I’ve had one-on-one and whole class discussions when I’ve just been so frustrated that they can be so ignorant to waste away a free education on the basis that “I don’t need this class and it’s boring”. And it amazes me that some of the best students at my school don’t care that their GPA is going to tank if they fail my class.
On the bright side, the other 8 students are pretty good and really smart (all 16 are really smart, some just choose to use it). Some of them were still hesitant to take the AP test because they didn’t know if they would do well, but I’ve convinced most of the good half. I’m pretty much teaching to them every day, and it works out most of the time even though it still gets pretty frustrating to see that many heads down ignoring you. At least they’re not disruptive and trying to ruin the whole class, but it’s hard to keep their attitudes from poisoning others on a daily basis. I really think 6 of my students can score a 3 or higher. I’m going to work really hard until the test to try and make that happen. I hope those kids will work really hard too.
I also have two honors Chemistry classes and one regular Chemistry class. My honors classes are probably my favorite to teach. A large majority of those kids want to learn and do well. Even though they act up at times, they are driven to succeed. I’ve spent this year really pushing their thinking processes and trying to get them to think for themselves and make their own conclusions about things based on evidence. I have some of the same honors kids I had last year in biology for chemistry this year which has been fun being able to form stronger relationships with some kids.
My regular Chemistry class is a different story altogether. They are so much further behind cognitively that it’s a real struggle for me to teach them, let alone get them to think for themselves without being given the answer. Many of the same things I struggled with last year are very prevalent in this class with high absenteeism, low motivation, and a lack of resourcefulness.
Lastly, I teach one Physics class that has mostly seniors that need one more science and have no idea what physics is. Most of them have extremely low math skills (bad for physics). They are a good bunch of kids, and I look forward to that class most days that I have good plans made ahead of time.
The main problem is all the planning that I don’t have time for. I’ve had many days this year where I fell asleep the night before without finishing my plans and materials only to be saved by throwing something together during my 1st period planning time. In the beginning of the second semester, I missed several team meetings that are held during 1st period for my team of teachers in order to finish plans for the day’s upcoming classes. It’s frustrating that I didn’t get to use the plans I made last year at all, and I basically had to start all over as another 1st year teacher with even more planning than I had to do last year. This year, I’ve been so overwhelmed with just keeping my head above water in my planning and other administrative duties as a teacher that I haven’t been able to spend any energy on what I really want to do as a teacher. I want to be more involved in my students’ lives, do tons of ACT prep, help them apply to colleges, help them find jobs and internships, plan fun things for my classes to do so it’s not so mundane all the time, and build their character to be a more successful and happy person in the future. I feel like my circumstances this year have prevented me from being a great teacher and mentor. Since I haven’t been able to get much satisfaction from feeling like I’m really making a difference, the life is just being sucked right out of me, and I’ve been losing my motivation.
There are some good things about this year though. I was recently given an Excellence in Teaching Award from my principal. It’s always nice to be recognized. One of my students I had last year and have this year has started helping me get work done after school. We made an agreement that I would buy him food once a week for helping me out, and it’s been a great deal for me since he grades papers, organizes and cleans things, sometimes helps with lab setups, and does other small jobs. He also likes to hang around my room and talk with me and I give him a ride home almost every day. We’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, and I’m thinking about letting him buy my old car for as much as he can save when he gets his license. He wants to go to a military academy and become an engineer, and I hope I can help him do that. He is pretty bummed that I won’t be teaching next year.
I’m definitely going to medical school next year! Right now, I have to choose between Medical College of Georgia (cheaper) and University of Alabama at Birmingham (better research opportunities for Michelle). I’m also on the wait list at Vanderbilt, so if I am taken off of that, then we’ll definitely stay here. I would love to be able to still tutor and mentor a lot of my kids I’ve formed relationships with as I’m studying for med school.
6 more weeks until school is out!
